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Hello again! This seems like a good place to put 2am thoughts while watching your newborn daughter and amazing wife sleep peacefully in the hospital.

My heart has been stolen by this little girl. As soon as they dropped the curtain and I saw her in the purple, screaming flesh, I was lost forever. Everything changed in that instant, and all of it for the better.

But the better is hard to see when your baby is getting whisked away to the NICU and you have to decide to stay with your daughter, who is going to spend the first hours of her life away from the only person she's really ever known, or your wife, whose strength and heart are the reason you're there at all. No matter how many times you're told "it's perfectly normal" or "it's just for observation," you can't grasp that something is wrong and that there's not anything you can do to fix it, but I was ready to tear apart every room of this hospital to stay with my baby, her tiny fingers wrapped around mine as her stomach takes in its first real meal, through a tube through her nose.

I never truly appreciated what everyone says about the motivation to protect your children, until I was being told that, no, I couldn't stay with her while she was transferred out of the NICU and brought to our room, but not to worry, she would be with us very soon. As very soon turned into 1 hour, and then 2, my mind could only think, "to hell with your paperwork (which ended up not being filed correctly anyway), my family needs to be reunited right fucking now! I'll wheel her down the hall myself!"

I know that these are small things in the grand scheme of what could happen in the moments after birth, but this little girl has turned my world upside down, and I can't wait to take her home today!

Now, I think I smell a diaper that needs changing

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
burr86
Jul. 4th, 2016 08:23 am (UTC)
❤️
bloodstones
Jul. 4th, 2016 11:10 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad that you've all been reunited, and I hope all is going well now. If you want to talk more about NICU stays and ng tubes, I have some empathy for that too. *hugs*
active_axon
Jul. 5th, 2016 05:35 pm (UTC)
I know our NICU experience was much shorter and less fraught than yours, but I was definitely ready to knock heads together because mother and baby were separated for almost all of the first 12 hrs.

On the plus side, the NICU nurses are responsible for a new nickname that has become the tag I'll use on LJ for her. There were 4 babies on her side of the NICU, 2 were preemies and they called them peanut. The other 2 were big babies, so they called them walnut. :-D
bloodstones
Jul. 7th, 2016 05:00 am (UTC)
Walnut! Walnut!!! That is my favorite thing today.

It was interesting to me how different the separation hit H and me - for us it was surgeries, so that's it's own special thing, and one I hope you do not have to deal with, but H would be way more anxious than I was during, and pretty okay after, whereas I was fine during (like, I napped during fine), and non functional for 24 hours after. It was like being hungover after a terrible feelings binge.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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